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Scroll down below to know all about Me and ‘Lessons from Adversity’.
“Do you have a plan?”- she asked
I must warn you – my story can be overwhelming for some.
I do feel it necessary though to share my story.
So that you can know me for real; where I’ve come from and why I started ‘Lessons From Adversity.’
When I was only 3 years old, my biological mother decided that she didn’t want me or my 2-year-old little sister anymore.
She stopped on the side of a highway here in Dallas, put us out on the side of the road and drove away!
I don’t remember getting out of the car nor the moment she drove off. What I do remember is being on the grassy hill, all the cars passing by, and a nice motorcycle officer who came by and kept us safe. He gave us teddy bears and talked to us until somebody came to pick us up. (Keep in your mind ‘a motorcycle officer’ … we’re going to talk about another one again later in the story)
I think something happened that day… I may not have fully grasped what it was, but I think from that day, my trust in my biological mother, my family and maybe in myself broke. I developed an inner conviction that women are terrible and they’ll hurt you and can’t be trusted.
My dad was there and present in my life, but being a heavy haul truck driver he just wasn’t ‘physically’ around a lot.
As if that wasn’t enough in and of itself, when I was 6 years old I experienced the biggest betrayal of my life! This ultimately led me to become a self-destructive person. I was raped by a stranger and it was facilitated by my biological mother!
Thankfully, I don’t remember the assault – at six years old your body and your brain automatically do what they are designed to do, and that’s to ensure your survival.
But I do remember sitting next to the rapist on the stairs afterwards. How? I don’t know.
As I was sitting with the rapist… my dad walked in! He had come to pick my sister and me up from my biological mom’s house. But for a moment I didn’t recognize him until he spoke.
I was physically present but my mind just wasn’t there.
All he said was “let’s go” and we did exactly that. We left. I didn’t tell him anything. In my mind I felt guilty and I felt protective of my dad.
Looking back, I was scared of what he would do to the rapist and I couldn’t lose my dad if he got in trouble.
‘’What would he do if I did tell him’’ I asked myself?
“Life wasn’t done with me.”
My dad remarried and I was in an unsafe environment yet again with a ‘disapproving’ step-mother. Her teenage son’s favorite game was to stop my breathing and bring me back to life!
A handful of times I woke up to him performing CPR on me!
And for some reason… in my head I thought I DESERVED all of this, and a part of me BELIEVED this was all normal.
I grew up hating myself for what had happened. I was always ready to fight and it would take very little provoking for me to pick a fight.
I fought with my sister. I fought at school. I fought with anyone and everyone around me!
Before I was 16, I ran away from home twice and ended up in an abusive relationship. All because I wanted to hurt someone. Anyone. Everyone.
If it weren’t for my current (2nd) step-mom who was determined to help me and not leave despite of my behavior… I never would have seen or experienced real love.
But sadly she couldn’t do much for me. Because I wasn’t meeting her halfway.
“Another Motorcycle Officer?”
I hope you’re with me...Because here comes the plot twist.
When I was 16 years old, I got into a fist fight with my step-mother. I had left home, vowing never to return again. She called the cops on me!
An officer found me heading for the main road. He pulled up and even though I thought about running from him, he got me into his car and took me back home.
(He was fresh out of the academy and although not yet driving a motorcycle, he vividly remembers this event!)
Unbeknownst to me, at 16 years old, I had just met my future husband, Steve! He is that police officer who took me back home! Remember the motorcycle police officer from when I was 3 years old?
It’s not lost on me that the two officers who have rescued me were both motorcycle cops!
To answer the usual question that comes up of how did we meet again: When I was 16, our only encounter was when he arrested me. We didn’t meet again until I was 23 years old and he was a motorcycle cop. I haven’t mentioned this yet, but I love mechanics!
I worked in a motorcycle shop and while on duty, he came into the shop to pick up a few things. He kept coming back in and eventually asked me out.
We did not recognize each other then, but after introducing him to my parents, and the usual parents’ habit of telling the stories of every bad thing you’ve ever done, they told the story of when I had been arrested when I was 16! After connecting the dots, we put it together that we had met 7 years prior!
It’s SO obvious that a higher power hand-picked my husband for me!
My past had caught up to me.
Slowing down wasn’t something I was particularly fond of. After Japan, I moved to California.
Removed from the military structure, I was isolated and lost.
I started smoking marijuana to numb my feelings, my loneliness and my pain.
I wasn’t taking care of myself.
I was living a slow, numb, disconnected life.
But like all things…this phase of life came to end…
I moved a little closer to my family.
With good intentions I embarked on a journey to live a good life… and it started to bloom but I wasn’t quite there yet.
“My Rock Bottom”
I saw it, it wasn’t pretty.
I now had this wonderful man in my life who loved me.
I was with a real person. I wasn’t alone anymore.
With children, we became a family of 3, and then 4, and then 5, and then 4 again.
Motherhood was really uncomfortable for me ’cause I didn’t have a great example to look up to.
What kind of mother would I be?
I knew one thing for sure – I did NOT want to be like my biological mother.
But I also didn’t have any clue how to get to where I wanted to be!
I wasn’t great with babies. I barely got by.
My first born is my son, Luke. Next came my daughter, Aleeya.
And then my third child, another son.
That was it – my rock bottom!
“Suzy from the Suicide Crisis Hotline”
The loss of a child isn’t like anything else. And this really did it for me. It confirmed just how unworthy I was.
I didn’t want to continue with this life.
How could I? I was worthless…
So, I planned my suicide.
I had a strategy in place. I knew when, where, why
and how I was going to go out. I had it all planned. The time was coming up soon.
The only thing left to do was to train my husband about how to take care of the kids.
Okay….now let’s get to the good stuff!
Otherwise, you’ll start crying if you haven’t already. 🙂
My life took a positive turn when I joined the Air Force. My dad was a diesel mechanic and he passed down all those mechanical skills and passions to me!
I loved it!! Working around men…working with my hands. I even lived in Japan at one point of my life. It all felt really good!
I was still quite rebellious though. So much so that I was put on an ‘international hold.’ That’s not good, if you’re wondering!
Wouldn’t you know it? That motorcycle officer, MY motorcycle officer, did it again!
He rescued me. One day my husband came home and handed me the phone.
When I said hello, this lady came on the line and said, “I’m ‘Suzy’ from the Suicide Crisis Hotline.”
I was SO angry and SO ashamed. How did he find out? I was so careful. Or so I thought.
Then Suzy asked me the question that literally Changed. My Life. ”Do you have a plan?”
Ultimately, the question I had heard and understood her asking me in my head was, “Are you going to go through with this? Yes or no?”
Yes or No??
I answered NO!
I answered. Not to the question she had asked of me, but to the question I posed to MYSELF, ‘Am I going to go through with this? Yes or no?’
In that moment, I had decided I WOULD TAKE SUICIDE OFF THE TABLE, and I would LIVE THIS LIFE…
But now what? What do I do now?
“I looked for help.”
Having chosen life, I opened myself up to seeking understanding of my own personal growth. I did my best to learn and dig deep inside me, and to really understand what I was made of and how and why I thought what I thought.
Seminars, group classes, books – I used anything and everything as long as there was something real there.
It was slow and I gradually pulled myself up and out!